Voldemort gets a Nose-Job
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: The Dark Lord decides to get a nose job after he gets a really bad cold and mucus keeps flying out of his nose-slits. Warning: major character death, mucus and diarrhea.


Voldemort was upset that he had no nose anymore. It made him cry every day whilst Wormtail carried around a box of tissues for him to use at his leisure because Voldemort was too important to carry the tissues himself. Plus he needed both arms free to hold his wand and do those weird hand movements he does so well in the movies. It was a rainy Sunday when Voldemort realised that to his horror the inevitable had happened and he had gotten ill. He had a raging cold which gave him a seriously blocked up nose, strep throat and a crushing migraine. He struggled to get his Dark Lord kit together and attend the latest Deatheater meeting although the motion of bending down made his head swim and his migraine pound in his temples, and the effort of walking was enough to make him want to give up, forget all about killing Harry Potter and just go back to bed.

When he eventually reached the Deatheater meeting, he was half an hour late and Bellatrix had already started without him. Ordinarily this would have made him feel inadequate and upset inside that his friends and underlings hadn't waited for him, but today he was mad and crazy and his illness spurred him on to new heights of cruelty. "Crucio!" He yelled in an operatic voice and Bellatrix leapt into the air in pain and fright, flipped over onto her back onto the long table around which the Deatheater's were all seated and began foaming at the mouth and going "BLEEEEEEEEEHHHH!" in a loud and tortured voice. Ignoring what he had just done and taking a tissue from the box carried by Wormtail, Voldemort took his seat at the head of the table after forcibly kicking Lucius Malfoy out of it by the crotch. In his dramatic voice Voldemort questioned his underlings, "Why hath nobody waited for me?!" The Deatheaters shuffled on their butts and looked uncomfortable because they knew they would end up like Bellatrix and also Voldemort's nose was streaming with liquified boogers. Lucius struggled off of the floor and tried to alert his Dark Lord to the mucus on his face, "My Lord, you have some..."

It was too late. Without warning Voldemort sneezed and mucus flew out of his slits-for-nostrils towards a terrified Lucius who tried to scream but snot went in his mouth instead. He choked on it because it had flown in there at over 150mph and ripped a hole in his throat. Then the Voldemort mucus started to fizz and burn Lucius's mouth and he started to puke up his insides all over the table close to where Bellatrix was having her crazy Crucio induced fit. Again Voldemort ignored this and just pulled a tissue from the box Wormtail was happily holding at his feet whilst he acted as a footrest for Voldemort's fungal diseased feet.

The meeting progressed as normal until about an hour later when Voldemort stood up, kicked Wormtail across the room into the toilet and announced, "That's it! I've had enough with being ill! I need a nose job now to stop mucus flying everywhere and killing my goons!" The Deatheaters were horrified and tried to reason with him, "But my Lord, you'll lose your iconic snake-like image! You'll look more like a common bum!" Said one Deatheater but after a loud AVADA KEDAVRA from Voldemort nobody else objected and they all just stepped over the dead one's corpse to offer their help. They all sat around the table again whilst Wormtail stuffed tissues into Voldemort's tiny nasal cavity to stop the snotty flow and prepare him for surgery. They came up with many ideas:

*Find someone suitable, kill them and take their nose

* Transplant a nose onto Voldemort by making one out of his excess skin

* Grow one scientifically on his bald head in a lab

* Make one out of his enchanted dong

In the end they decided to give him a temporary nose until they could agree on a more permanent one. Bellatrix had been released from the Crucio curse and was now melting a candle into Voldemort's nose whilst Wormtail used a spatula and some bobby pins to sculpt a nose-shape from the soft black wax. Voldemort honked because he was finding it incredibly hard to breathe as his nose was covered in boiling wax and started to solidify in his nasal cavity. His strep throat had developed into diphtheria so his throat had totally closed over and he was now starting to die of suffocation. The evil honker flailed around trying to push Bellatrix and Wormtail away, but just succeeded in making Bellatrix drop the burning candle into his mouth which caused him to shriek in a muffled manner and crap himself in fear. The cascade of sludgy diarrhea transmitted dysentry to all the other Deatheaters present. Voldemort knew that the only thing that could stop him from being suffocated by fake nose and candle wax was to sneeze as hard as he could. He mustered all of his magical strength and sneezed... EH HE HE!

Bellatrix exploded into a mass of snot and organs as she catapulted across the room and landed on Lucius Malfoy who was still puking out part of his liver. Wormtail melted as the sound wave caused his molecules to oscillate and disintegrated him into a pukey pile of poop. The other Deatheaters were cut to shreds with flying shrapnel pieces of Voldemort's fake wax nose. Voldemort himself was left permanently deaf after bursting his own ear drums with the power of the supersonic sneeze, and he never recovered his ability to speak as the candle was irreversibly lodged in his throat like a piercing lodged in a dong.

Worst of all he still had his cold and had wax stuck in one nostril so waxy, bloody snot drowned him every night in his sleep. His dreams of world domination had to be put on hold and Harry Potter sent him a get well card when he heard of how awful an accident his arch nemesis had been involved in. This made Voldemort have diarrhea with rage and nobody was there to change his bed for him as Wormtail was dead.

The end.


End file.
